I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize