So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
