Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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