how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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