Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
organizing the empties. That sober.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Randomize
