Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
