I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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