need another drink. this is the easiest way
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
