her vagina looked like bernie madoff
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
