Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
