Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
