Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
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