I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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