I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
