So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
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