Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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