people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
