Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
