Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Randomize
