i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
And then the night went full on bisexual.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
