Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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