I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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