So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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