So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
