Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
