Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Randomize
