I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
