Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
