need another drink. this is the easiest way
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
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