You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
