the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
