So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Couch. On fire.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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