Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
