I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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