speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
