I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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