do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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