Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
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