i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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