I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
