I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
