I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
