how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
