I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Randomize
