I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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