I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
