I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
