fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
