I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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