I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Randomize
