you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
