i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Then you guys just all showered together...?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
