I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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