I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
