Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
