Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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