I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
