I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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