my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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