I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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