Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
