Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
