Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
