i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
