Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
