I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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